We are instinctively social beings and we learn largely by observing the behaviors of our role models. Typically, our parents are the first role models in our lives as they are the first human contact we have at the start of our lives; and they continue to influence our growth and development throughout our lives. We learn from both parents consciously and unconsciously. I found that there are more discussions, opinions, and focus on the role of mothers with little information about the role and influence of fathers in bringing up a child. So, allow me to open this subject and focus this discussion on the role of fathers.
The patterns of interaction between a father (or mother) and the child are the very patterns that will affect all children’s relationship from birth to death, including those with friends, lovers, and spouses. When a girl grows up, she will probably look for men who have the patterns of good old dad. Therefore, if her father was kind, loving, and gentle, she will search out those characteristics in men. Girls tend to look for what they have experienced and become familiar with in childhood because they think that they can handle them in relationships or unconsciously believe that’s how relationships should be.
Most boys, on the other hand, are likely to model themselves after their fathers by learning from their fathers and will seek out their father's ideas/ input and approval in everything they do. Unknowingly, they copy or mimic the behaviors and characteristics of their father that they think are successful and dignified. But they will also imitate automatically if dad was abusive, controlling, and dominating. If a father is loving, kind, supportive, and protective, boys will want to be that. So what roles can fathers play in a child’s life to positively impact their child’s growth and development, and decisions later on in life?
A good father can be the best playmate for his child because children learn from playing. When children are young, they learn and develop their social, physical and academic skills more effectively from activities like playing games such as making and flying paper airplanes, football, hide and seek, board games, etc. As a playmate, dads can help build the child’s confidence by letting them win (every so often); teach the child to gracious accept failure or losing (a game) to others; teach the child determination to help them understand the need to persevere to enable them to overcome challenges in life and not just give up.
As a child’s companion in the early stages of their development, fathers give their child a sense of security, making them feel protected and safe. Whenever possible, fathers should spend more time with his children and (hopefully) enjoy reliving and sharing his childhood experiences, by helping to solve his child’s social problems, e.g., from school. A good father knows how to have fun with his kids too, taking them out to games, movies, and supporting their sports teams by attending their matches. He takes the time to listen and provide guidance to his children through fun chat sessions with them as their child’s friend.
To be a good companion for his children, a father needs to be open-minded. This requires fathers to understand and accept that his child is growing up in a different generation and may have different social tastes and preferences to his childhood days, so therefore will not try to expect the same pattern of behaviours from the child or impose the exact same rules and standards from the good old days when he was growing up. What worked back then may not necessarily work now in this new generation. Fathers need to have the flexibility to allow his children to live in a way that is consistent with today’s social and economic state of development, that may mean that the child will develop and adopt a different mindset to live. A good father will teach and impart his good personal, family and social values and principles to his child, to give them the much-needed guidelines for their journey in life, but will allow the child to develop new and different standards and behaviors and habits of their generation and time.
A good father will aim to teach his child to be a well-rounded member of society. This requires fathers to be involved in not just helping children with their homework, but also be an example to their child in the way they behave in social and professional situations, for example – teach the child the proper social etiquette, the importance of being honest, showing gratitude, keeping one’s word, etc.. A good father knows he must be a good example for his children and not e.g., fight with his wife in front of the children if he wants to teach his children not to fight with their siblings.
A good father allows his kids to make mistakes and accepts that making mistakes is a natural part of growing up and is a powerful life learning experience. Fathers need to be patient and coach his child to recover from his/her mistakes and to rebuild their self-confidence as needed. And a great father knows he must sacrifice some of his own free time for his fatherly duties.
I asked a close friend who has always been considered a great father, what protection means to him as a father. His reply “….to not just protect the children physically from any danger or harm, but also to protect them morally and spiritually. Protection doesn't mean only physical safety but also emotional security, financial security and many other different things that are unique to each child. A good father is also his children's public defender, and do what’s necessary to keep them out of harm’s way”.
A child who gets unconditional love and full protection from his/her father experiences a greater sense of self-confidence and courage. But it is also important to note that fathers should not be overprotective. The degree of protection one child needs is different from the next. Obtaining an understanding of your child’s emotional or physical appetite and tolerance in life is the key.
A good father once told me, “I've always felt that being a provider is not and should not be a culturally-driven role for fathers. Providing for one's family is part of the promise a man makes on his wedding day. A good father knows his responsibility for being bread-winner very well and do all he can for as long as he is able”.
A good father always teaches his children not to take what they have for granted. From the food on the table to the good education he's paying for, a good father will make his children see the value and appreciate everything they have and not let his kids treat him like a bank or an ATM.
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